Are you Codependent or Trauma Activated?

The movie “Together” was, in my opinion and experience, a horror-like description of the complexities and confusion that accompanies codependent relationships. At the same time, I think many would find it not horrific at all. Maybe more of a cautionary tale about boundaries. Or even, perhaps, a welcomed (if somewhat funny) idea of fusing oneself to another in love. 👯

After all, some traditional wedding vows do proclaim “‘till death do us part”! ☠️

I’m not a movie critic or film expert 🍿 but I am an expert on relational patterns- especially those that cause significant distress.

🎥 As I watched the movie, my ears were tuned into the words, the semantics, and the tones of the characters. There are some nuances to codependency that are hard for somone who is codependent to see and that are also applauded socially. Making it all the more confusing to distinguish “is this healthy"?

What’s more, codependency can be a symptom of Complex Trauma being activated by attachment response and reactivities. Keep reading to learn more.

Do Intense Feelings Mean Love?

All adult romantic relationships go through a bonding phase. Often, but not always, this important phase is accompanied with a fun little body feeling called “limerence” which is the exciting percolation of butterflies 🦋 of anticipation that pull you toward the other.

Many people who have attachment trauma in their life experience (also know as complex trauma and can often later in life be experienced as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) might have a disruptive bonding phase without knowing it.

For example, they might experience a push-pull in their bonding. They pull their beloved close and hold tight one minute then push them away the next.

This can be really confusing to everyone because this early romantic behavior is normalized as the fire of romance as seen in movies, dramas, literature, music, arts 🎭 , and social media.

In other words, it’s applauded and promoted.

It can be blurry for the person who has experienced trauma to know if their instincts are giving them the correct information.

Is Anxious Attachment a Trauma Activation?

Yes. Anxious attachment along with avoidant and deregulated can be trauma activations but they are also normal and healthy ways that people stay in connection with one another. In other words, anxious attachment can be an outcome behavior of trauma but not all people who are anxiously attached have experienced trauma.

• For example, everyone has some degree of anxious attachment responses. It’s a survival response! Some people are born with higher sensitivity to anxiety. That’s totally okay! That’s being human.

However, when someone has been exposed to a persistent childhood trauma (like being taken away from a caregiver, being neglected, being sent repeatedly in to isolation when having intense feelings) their natural levels of anxiety will heighten and often come out as more severe in adult romantic relationships.

For example, heightened anxiety from complex trauma might show up as an individual needing their partner to be home by a certain hour or needing to know where their partner is at all times. The trauma influence is that they find themselves spiraling into panic, hyper ruminating, having increased intrusive thoughts, or not being able to function or focus- in other words, they experience increased distress that impairs their ability to function normally. When their partner returns, they act out with panic, anger, frustration or they withdraw and their partner gets the cold shoulder or icy retorts.

These are really hard dynamics to overcome! They can be so confusing to everyone. And they can create patterns of distrust and escalated reactivities that feel insurmountable.

How Codependency sees this problem

From a codependent perspective we might blame the partner that is being activated. We might tell them to calm down, just get through it, ease up! Essentially, we shame them into thinking they are the problem.

Another codependent perspective might be to tell the other partner that the are in the right! They need freedom and the anxious partner is suffocating them.

Again, a shaming. This puts the receiving partner in a “protect” or “demand” position. Either they “protect” their anxious loved one from feeling anxiety by not going out or they “demand” their partner change.

Unfortunately, both of these are a lose-lose proposition. And, unfortunately, they are “tools” that therapist often assert as behavioral changes.

How a Trauma Activation Sees the Problem

From a trauma activation perspective we see that the reactive partner is reliving a trauma experience and that they are in present moment in the panic and activation of trauma. In other words, their body and mind do not know that the trauma is not actually happening in the moment. Words and cognitive reasoning cannot penetrate the survival response of trauma activation in the body.

Asking a person who is experiencing trauma activation to "setting down" is like asking someone running from a lion to just "chill out".

Of course, from a trauma perspective we also must invite the partner to assist in soothing, processing, and helping the trauma activation to lessen. This is hard work! It means repeated explicit conversations and behavioral demonstrations of trust, safety, accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement with their beloved.

The Good News

Trauma activation heals! The brain is flexible in rewiring itself and adapting to new environments. Especially safe environments.

Being in a healthy relationship is the quickest and most effective way to rewire a trauma response.

It takes courage and compassion and a good therapist to help make new meanings, new healthy interactions, and get trusted feedback on what is "healthy" vs. "unhealthy" in relationship.

You can do it! And it is so worth it.

If you are experiencing what feels like a trauma activation response or you and your partner find yourselves caught in a cycle of what others call "codependency" you do not need to be alone and lost. There is help. It compassionate and scientifically based and you can have the relationship that you know you can have.

A symbol of emotional safety and connection between partners

• The blog you have just read was written by Angela Jensen-Ramirez, LCSW-S, CST, who offers EFT-Based Couples Therapy Intensives, Couples Counseling, Individual Counseling, and Supervision in Austin, Texas. Email for information to consult at: angelajramirezlcsw@gmail.com.

• Angela used AI to help develop the outline and check for spelling and grammatical errors for this blog. The writing content itself was written by Angela Jensen-Ramirez, a human psychotherapist providing couples and relationship therapy since 2015.